Silent No More: Deb

This is the story of Deb, who spoke as a member of Silent No More Minnesota at the state capitol in January 2005. Deb kept her abortion a secret from her family for twenty five years, and because of that, now she mourns not only the loss of her baby, but also the loss all those years to loneliness and depression.

Click to hear Deb's story

Transcript:

Hello. My name is Deb, and I'm speaking to you today, because twenty six years ago I'd had an abortion, and I wish somebody at that time would have told me that I would someday deeply regret this decision. I was raised in a good Catholic home, the youngest of four kids. I was a quiet kid and mostly went along after the flow. After high school, I started having sex, which also was acceptable behavior in the '70s. This, however, brought down my self esteem, and I though the only way to be accepted was through drinking, pot, and sex.

When I was twenty three, I had just broke off a relationship with a boyfriend, and I was so down, I ended up pregnant with a one-night stand, a total stranger. I was very scared at the prospect of being a single mother and wondered how could I tell my family. My sister was happily pregnant after having a difficult time getting pregnant. My pregnancy would have just brought her down. I didn't want to do that.

As the youngest sibling, I saw how my older siblings had hurt my parents, and I was the good kid. How could I tell them about this? I never wanted them to know. I’m sorry to say that I also saw them be there for all of us and did not trust that. Yes, they would have grieved over the pregnancy, and I know now they also would have been there for me.

I went to the St. Paul Health Clinic to confirm the pregnancy, and the woman asked what I wanted to do. In tears, I said, "An abortion, I guess." She gave me the number to the clinic. She did not offer any empathy or counseling. A friend I confided in stated that the abortion would have the least impact on my life. I know her advice was out of friendship and love. She would not have known, like myself, that it would have the most negative impact on my life.

I also told the ex-boyfriend about the pregnancy, and, thinking it was his, he helped me pay for the abortion and drove me to the clinic. He had hurt me, and I wanted to get back at him. But once the lie was told, I was afraid to back out. I do not remember much about the abortion except the cramping at the time and was told it was just tissue and that I would be able to have children later on. I believed these lies.

On the way home, the ex-boyfriend and I were pretty silent. He just went home, and I saw him a couple of times with friends but we lost contact, and he still does not know the truth.

The years after the abortion, I never felt I fit anywhere. My dream was always to be married and to have children. Relationships with men never seemed to work out. Although I stayed pretty involved with my nieces and nephews, and even foster-cared for two of them, I still wanted children of my own.

When I was thirty eight, feeling the impact of no child, I asked a boyfriend at the time if he'd like a baby. I did not want to marry him, but my need for an atonement child was huge, even outside of marriage. His answer was not using contraception. I ended up pregnant, believing that I would have a December baby, like myself. I ended up with a miscarriage the Friday before Mother's Day. I remember saying to God, "I killed one baby. Now you did. Are we even?" But I felt no peace.

For six years, I fought depression, especially in December. That would have been the time my baby boy would have been born and reminded me I was running out of time to have children. I remember on my forty fifth birthday crying out, "Who would care if I was dead?" I had no purpose. Who would miss me if I was gone? I knew I couldn't go through this depression again. I needed counseling or I'd go on antidepressants, whatever it took.

That January, I started going to church. I remember sitting through a service on forgiveness, crying the whole time, wondering how Christ could forgive me. I could not even forgive myself. The guilt and shame I felt over the years were unbearable. I thought abortion was the unforgivable sin. The church was offering an "Alpha: An Introduction to Christ" group in the fall, and I thought that could be a tool for me. Forgiveness was one of the topics.

I finally found the forgiveness I needed on that Holy Spirit day. Thankfully, Christ became my counselor, and the Holy Spirit my antidepressant. That year, I had the most blessed and peaceful Christmas, but in January, I realized I wanted to mourn the loss of my aborted child. At church, I picked up a brochure, wanting an address from it. The next day, I finally looked at the brochure and found out it was for a post-abortion healing group. I didn't even know these groups existed. I called, and they had an opening left. I knew God was telling me I needed to go and be healed.

I went through the group and was able to share with other women and learn why I always felt alone most of my adult life. I learned that the baby was not the sin. The abortion and everything related to it, the sex outside of marriage and the lies and deceit was. With God at my side, I was able to heal the pain and the grief and mourn the loss of both my children. I found total forgiveness. After twenty five years, I was finally able to tell my parents, and guess what? They grieved for me, they forgave me, they are very loving and supportive, and they are here now. This has taught me to trust in them and the Lord even more. I am now forty nine without a child of my own to hold in my arms, but because of the promise of Christ, I feel I now belong. I have purpose, and mostly I am a beloved child of God.

I'll always regret the choice to abort my baby, but Christ has given me the hope that one day, I will hold my precious Megan and David in heaven. Please know that you can receive this healing through Christ, and this is why I am Silent No More. Thank you.

Deb's story is given here with the permission of Silent No More Minnesota. To obtain a copy, please contact SNMM and consider donating to their cause. Their message is powerful and one that more women need to hear before they have an abortion.

Contact info
Website: http://www.silentnomoremn.org/
Phone: 763-536-8800
Email: annmarie@silentnomoremn.org


Previous:

Silent No More: Colleen

Silent No More: Tina

Silent No More: Valerie

But what about the women?